In the year 2022

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In the Year 2022

 

The United States economy underwent a relatively tumultuous, though admittedly favorable metamorphous in the year 2022. The cosmic increase of agricultural product sales represented the sole cause for this turbulence. In that year, the Remote Sensor Lawn Management System was released into the market with Joan Deere (formerly John Deere, though bought out by the niece of the late writer, Betty Friedman) alone claiming 92 percent of the agricultural products sale. For a quarter, Wall Street lunged up and down like a Carnival Cruise ship in a late summer hurricane. However, by the close of the fiscal year, the market had managed to survive the colossal re-alignments of funds except for pork belly stock, which remains to this day almost non-existent. The exact cause for this remains unknown and provides ample material for conspiracy theorists of all sorts and several militias’ in western Arkansas who claim to have been the target of the misfortune.

            The Remote Sensor Lawn Management System performed the maintenance of lawn mowing while you observed and directed it from the comfort of your favorite chair. (The picture on the package was actually a man in a hat lying in a hammock) The advent of the Remote Sensor Lawn Management System had profound effects on the retail industry, but the product’s greatest influence was upon American culture itself. It became a symbol of status and progressive living. One analyst, a member of the S.H.I.F.D.L.O.G. think tank coined the phrase, “another British invasion.” This of course, alluded to the screaming popularity of the product, particularly with women and its origins out of a small lab in Southampton, England.

             Raphael Paltier, a non-citizen working in England developed the product and sold the technology to a small company outside of Redding for 2.5 million dollars. Three weeks and one World Cup later, Joan Deere had swallowed the Redding firm for 12 million dollars.

            Though, no recorded evidence of the technology landing in Joan Deere’s central facilities in Deerfield, Illinois exists, several documented sources reported a police sanctioned fence outside the corporation that bayed hundreds of screaming women looking to get a peek at the new equipment. Conservative reports downplayed the rumors swimming around the product and predicted the United Kingdom fad would be “here today and gone tomorrow.”

            Upon purchasing this wave of agricultural technology, the average person who brought it home would open a package the size and weight of a common P.C. printer. They would then take out the Remote Sensor Lawn Management System remote control which was roughly the size and density of a pack of baseball cards (old school Tops cards made from real cardboard, not those glossy plastics they issue out today.) They would then remove a double pack of rechargeable remote control batteries wrapped in cellophane and finally the System( which I shall now refer to it as for the sake of brevity) itself.

            The System, at first, came in one size and color only. It was circular, about 14 inches, the average size of corporate pizza. The height of this machine, initially, was around 10 inches making for one very tubby tool. The casing of the product was a type of titanium metal and blue racing stripes flanked its sides with the words “THE SYSTEM” enshrined on its front side, a helpful graphic that alleviated initial confusion over which direction was forward. Flipping over the tool was not laborious as it weighed in at a mere 14 pounds 11 ounces. Exposed, the undercarriage revealed two wheels with built in tread for better traction and a simple blade about the size of a baby’s arm that spun much like the old fashioned conventional gas mowers located between the wheels. The wheel axel was not exposed. There was also an on/off switch positioned in the upper right corner.

            After skimming over the unpackaged directions, the new user would set the System down in their grass, having placed the on switch in the on position and step back to start the mower. Pressing the on button located in the top corner of the remote control started the motor. In the middle of the controller was a type of joystick apparatus that allowed for any angle of movement. Turning the machine proved the prime point of positional difficultly with the contraption. A dilemma that was resolved by employing circular rotational patterns of mowing that replaced the archaic horizontal, vertical, or professional diagonal patterns. Later, Deere would put out a model with a diagonal mode, but it was rarely employed for the circular angles left on the yard soon became status symbols associated with sophistication of the System.

            An operator could be up to 100 feet away from the System while it operated. However, not paying attention to the System’s path could be detrimental to the machine, oncoming traffic, children at play, or pets in nearby yards. There is a whole anthology of legal cases associated with the System available through Artic Bird Books.

            The average yard could be thoroughly cut within ten to fifteen minutes though setting aside thirty to forty minutes to include time for raking and bagging the cut grass was recommended. Deere did not release the Remote Sensor Lawn Management Bagger machine until a full four years after the System came out.

            The most innovative feature of the System was its means of energy. Mr. Peltier, originally a bilateral acrobat and traveling cosmetologists, had perfected a chip that would allow the System to run for seventy hours before it needed to be replaced. This feature was as explosive as a love chorus driven pop song in the fifties for two reasons. In no particular order: (1) The fledgling mid east wars of the early 2000s created a temporary oil crisis that was discovered by a group of migrant workers to, in fact, not be a crisis at all. This crisis brought the Schwarzanegger administration to its knees sparking “The Great Oil Debates of the Probates”, the outworking of which of course was the Oil Regulation Laws which nearly obliterated Exxon/Mobil and other leading gas tyrants of the time. Needless to say, alternative means of energy were abundantly researched and reasonably exhausted on test markets. The System was an answer to ungrateful prayers. (2) Joan Deere designed the System in such a manner that only certified operators of qualified tools could replace the chip which in turn created thousands upon thousands of the now famously nostalgic “Deere Repair Shops” throughout North America.

 

 

 

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